something is wrong
A short personal reflection on the wrong feeling in my body that I cannot name.
For as long as I can remember, something has felt wrong. It goes deeper than the surface—bone deep. I feel it emotionally, spiritually, and intuitively. It’s existential. The weight is flattening. It renders me unable to function, but the severity varies.
I feel it in the morning, tenfold on weekdays. I feel it when I have free time, but have things I should be doing with it. It’s prominent when I’m overwhelmed by obligations. I feel it in my chest. In the cells of my body. They’re screaming.
My external world feels about the same. Every day feels like being forced to do something against my will. Like I’m stuck. Trapped in a life loop I didn’t consent to. Even if there is nothing wrong with the loop itself: it’s the fact that it’s a loop.
This “wrong” feeling is rarely discussed in the online space. Others must not feel it. Unless it’s something that we collectively feel, but aren’t talking about. I don’t feel understood in this feeling, though. At least it’s worse on some days than others.
The duration of the feeling can vary from days, to weeks, and even months. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what this is. But I have noticed things that keep the feeling null. Things like breaking routine. Freedom of will. Freedom of time. Nature.
“Just do it” and “push through it” don’t work for me. They didn’t work for me as a kid, nor do they work for me now. I’ve never known how to explain the discomfort to others in a way that is taken seriously. It. never. gets. easier. Only more urgent.
Every day of life feels like there is a need not being met. That something specific about the life I’m living is not aligned with what I need to feel okay. I have never felt like I belonged in this state. Time is passing by faster than I am able to acclimate.
How do you tell someone that you’re being crushed by something invisible? How do you explain that your soul is protesting something you don’t understand? I want to understand. To know what my soul knows. To make the right changes for me.
i am taking it seriously....i have felt that too....thank you for giving it a voice
The comment mantra, to "just push through" is so often wrong, Rachelle. If your body knows before your mind — as the body often does — sometimes it helps to decompress a bit and slow down, but life doesn't always offer us those chances. Thank you for sharing what many feel but don't name out loud.